


Cerulean Beauty

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Other, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 20:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/841149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Title: In which Equius is involved in a machinery testing accident and becomes the unholy combination of Lara Croft and Neteri, involving Catgirl Shipping, Assumed Hemo-Slurs, One solicitation of red romance toward a troll with an already filled Matesprit quadrant, one declined solicitation of black romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cerulean Beauty

**Author's Note:**

> I had to do this. I did.

“Dear fucking gog. What have you DONE Egbert?” Karkat questioned, trying to figure out exactly which buttons the human had mashed. “When he offered to be our test subject, I don’t think he signed on for this shit storm!”

“Vantas. That language is certainly unnecessary. Though the circumstances are rather extraordinary, we should remain calm.” 

“Equius, have you LOOKED at yourself?! Have you seen what Egbert did to you?!”

“Geez, Karkat… We’ll be able to fix it… Eventually.” John offered.

“I appear to still be functioning despite the exceedingly odd results of this test. I must concede that I will need new attire. I believe Maryam should be able to comply with my needs, however.”

“Equius. Did Egbert scramble your think-pan as much as your genetics?”

“Vantas. I am still exceptionally strong. I am still alive. I fail to see the need for hysterics.”

“Well, it is kind’ve weird that he isn’t sweating yet.” John chimed in. “I mean, maybe I managed to take that out! We should test that!”

“Shut the fuck up, Egbert. You’ve screwed so much shit up. Don’t think the fact that Zahhak isn’t flooding us in sweat changed anything here. Do you have any idea how _Strider_ is going to react to what you did?”

“Oh my… I hadn’t considered… That is slightly problematic.”

“I guess I didn’t fix that…” The Heir of Breath sulked.

“Great. Now we have a sweaty, strong, authority-obsessed FEMALE blue blood. Our life’s work is complete, John. I can finally say that my goal to be the most spectacular failure ever has been met.”

\---

“Hold still, please.” Kanaya kneeled, repairing a weak seam.

“I don’t see how this is easier than alchemizing clothing. Or even simply making adjustments to my existing garments. They were perfectly suitable, regard- Ah!” Equius jumped at the sharp stab of the needle.

“I’m sorry. Talk of such grievances to fashion seems to make my hands shake. Shall we try again?”

“I do appreciate your attempt to keep some semblance of my former attire… However, it does seem that your adjustments are perhaps a little… Short. You did take my height measurements accurately, I assume?”

“This is most definitely not a mistake.” She snapped the thread and stood to admire her work. “Admittedly, quite an improvement. Now to get everyone else to let me update their wardrobe.”

“I don’t understand why, if you have, as you say, taken my measurements properly, this shirt doesn’t extend farther. Also, you have neglected the length on my leggings. Is there a purpose to exposing this much skin? These shorts are inadequate…”

“Are you questioning my taste?”

Instantly, the blue blood was sweating bullets. “No. I never meant to imply such a thing. I was merely questioning the decision to leave such vulnerable areas exposed. It seems unnecessary.”

The awkward moment was broken by Nepeta’s arrival. Her first instinct, as always, was to tackle-pounce her moirail. “Equius!!!”

He caught her effortlessly mid-pounce, spinning her around. It was their normal routine and he was glad to fall back into it. At least _someone_ wasn’t treating him like he’d contracted some sort of fatal disease thanks to John Egbert.

“Heh heh! You’re softer than normal!”

“Nepeta!” His face flushed. “Please refrain from making such statements. This is only temporary. I’m sure that Vantas and Egbert are diligently working to remedy this minor inconvenience.”

“Mmmmm… I saw Karkitty yelling at John, but it was about doing that windy thing he does in hallways.”

“What?”

“I was really surpurrised when I heard about what hapawned to you. They didn’t act like anything had gone wrong!”

The rage rising must have been obvious. “Equius. If you would please leave my Respite Block before giving in to any destructive urges that may be coming over you, I would appreciate that.” Kanaya held the door open, not wanting the blue blood to destroy it.

\---

He was actually seething with rage by the time he entered the common room. “Equius, purrlease calm down. You’re going to hurt someone!”

“And if it should be John Egbert, he may die a just death today.”

She tried clinging to him, knowing he would never hurt her no matter how deep his rage went. “Nepeta. Remove yourself immediately.”

“Purromise you won’t hurt anyone!” 

“I will not make such a promise.”

“I’m not letting go until you do.”

They continued their conversation just outside the doorway, ignoring both trolls and humans watching them from inside. Two humans in particular stared raptly at the arguing trolls. Dirk calmly set the wrench he’d been using to adjust Squarewave down, then straightened up.

“Ooooh dogg.” The robot intoned, seeming to understand the situation.

The other human stared slack-jawed at what he was seeing. Blue-flushed skin. Black hair tied back. Shorts certainly made for a lady adventurer. Speaking with a cat girl. Dear lord. He pinched himself, uncertain if he was dreaming THIS girl as well.

“Equius?” Dirk questioned. Unlike Nepeta, he hadn’t been told about a certain accident occurring this morning.

Rage was forgotten in favor of shame. He’d meant to tell Dirk about the predicament immediately, perhaps even before consulting Kanaya. The opportunity simply hadn’t presented itself. You didn’t just interrupt Dirk when he was in the middle of one of his legendary infinite showers.

“Dirk. DIRK. You know this lovely lady?” Jake questioned, grabbing him by the shirt. 

“Let go of me. And yes. Equius is-“ He didn’t get a chance to finish that thought. 

The whole situation became ten times more awkward when not only was Nepeta clinging to him, but suddenly Jake English was taking one of his hands. Oh my. He didn’t intend to… Was he… He was _bowing_! “T-this is most improper.”

“My dear, I am Jake English and I must say you have quite taken my breath away. What with your attire and stunning skin color, I imagine you must be a lady who rather enjoys adventure and, dare I say it, the occasional fisticuff that results from it?”

“I-“

“There’s no shame in it. I myself rather enjoy a good skirmish.”

“Jake.” Dirk warned.

“As such, I would be delighted to perhaps accompany you on an outing provided you wouldn’t mind me fawning over your cerulean beauty.”

Equius tensed. “Was that an implication that you believe me to be _cerulean_?”

“Quite a beautiful color in my own opinion. Nothing for you to be embarrassed about.”

At that moment, Dirk may have saved Jake’s life by stepping between them. “Equius, this is my asshole ex-boyfriend Jake English. Jake, this is Equius. My matesprit.”

“Dirk, I rather thought you fancied chaps or I wouldn’t have-“

Dirk sighed heavily. “First of all, I don’t appreciate being labeled. Secondly, Equius _is_ a guy.”

“Correct me if I am wrong… But trolls still have genders, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And they are still split with…” He made cupping motions to his chest. “On women…”

“Yes…”

“Then-“

“There was an accident.” Nepeta offered. 

\---

“Well bollocks. So Jane’s Alternate Universe Pop-Pop has been messing with machinery he doesn’t quite understand?” Jake questioned.

“You… Accused me… Of being on _Vriska’s_ level.” Equius was still trying to process that. 

“And here I was thinking that I might have finally truly met the lady of my dreams. Rather turns out it’s the lady of Strider’s dreams. Not of course that I suspect he often dreams of ladies.”

“Jake English.”

“Yes?”

“I think I hate you.”

“Well, Golly. That might be awkward what with Dirk and I formerly dating, but I’m willing to try this troll quadrant thing.”

“ _Platonicly._ ”

“Oh.”

Nepeta giggled. “I think I found some new ships for my chart! Equius, yours is almost full!”

“Nepeta, I forbid you from adding him to any chart involving me.”

“Should you ever feel less platonically, I’d be inclined to try this ‘Black Romance’ thing.” Jake offered.

“No.”

“Yes!” Nepeta argued, playfully.

“No!”

“Yes!”

“NO! That is the final word on this. I strongly discourage further discussion on the topic.”

\---

“-And that was your problem.” Sollux finished explaining, pressing a button on the command center.

“Ha. So it wasn’t my fault!” John smiled a rather goofy grin.

“You’re telling me that _Gamzee_ is to blame for this?” Karkat questioned.

“Between the Faygo and the slime, it’s a wonder the machine even did anything.”

“Motherfuckin’ miracles, Best Friend.”


End file.
